As-salamu `alaykum wa rahmatullah…… Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim…
This article is written by Heidi Grant Halvorson, now we can all share the knowledge and practice what successful people do.
Why have you been so successful in reaching some of your goals, but not others? If you aren’t sure, you are far from alone in your confusion. It turns out that even brilliant, highly accomplished people are pretty lousy when it comes to understanding why they succeed or fail. The intuitive answer — that you are born predisposed to certain talents and lacking in others — is really just one small piece of the puzzle. In fact, decades of research on achievement suggests that successful people reach their goals not simply because of who they are, but more often because of what they do.
- Get specific.
When you set yourself a goal, try to be as specific as possible. “Lose 5 pounds” is a better goal than “lose some weight,” because it gives you a clear idea of what success looks like. Knowing exactly what you want to achieve keeps you motivated until you get there. Also, think about the specific actions that need to be taken to reach your goal. Just promising you’ll “eat less” or “sleep more” is too vague — be clear and precise. “I’ll be in bed by 10pm on weeknights” leaves no room for doubt about what you need to do, and whether or not you’ve actually done it.
- Seize the moment to act on your goals.
Given how busy most of us are, and how many goals we are juggling at once, it’s not surprising that we routinely miss opportunities to act on a goal because we simply fail to notice them. Did you really have no time to work out today? No chance at any point to return that phone call? Achieving your goal means grabbing hold of these opportunities before they slip through your fingers.
To seize the moment, decide when and where you will take each action you want to take, in advance. Again, be as specific as possible (e.g., “If it’s Monday, Wednesday, or Friday, I’ll work out for 30 minutes before work.”) Studies show that this kind of planning will help your brain to detect and seize the opportunity when it arises, increasing your chances of success by roughly 300%.
- Know exactly how far you have left to go.
Achieving any goal also requires honest and regular monitoring of your progress — if not by others, then by you yourself. If you don’t know how well you are doing, you can’t adjust your behavior or your strategies accordingly. Check your progress frequently — weekly, or even daily, depending on the goal.
- Be a realistic optimist.
When you are setting a goal, by all means engage in lots of positive thinking about how likely you are to achieve it. Believing in your ability to succeed is enormously helpful for creating and sustaining your motivation. But whatever you do, don’t underestimate how difficult it will be to reach your goal. Most goals worth achieving require time, planning, effort, and persistence. Studies show that thinking things will come to you easily and effortlessly leaves you ill-prepared for the journey ahead, and significantly increases the odds of failure.
- Focus on getting better, rather than being good.
Believing you have the ability to reach your goals is important, but so is believing you can get the ability. Many of us believe that our intelligence, our personality, and our physical aptitudes are fixed — that no matter what we do, we won’t improve. As a result, we focus on goals that are all about proving ourselves, rather than developing and acquiring new skills.
Fortunately, decades of research suggest that the belief in fixed ability is completely wrong — abilities of all kinds are profoundly malleable. Embracing the fact that you can change will allow you to make better choices, and reach your fullest potential. People whose goals are about getting better, rather than being good, take difficulty in stride, and appreciate the journey as much as the destination.
- Have grit.
Grit is a willingness to commit to long-term goals, and to persist in the face of difficulty. Studies show that gritty people obtain more education in their lifetime, and earn higher college GPAs. Grit predicts which cadets will stick out their first grueling year at West Point. In fact, grit even predicts which round contestants will make it to at the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
The good news is, if you aren’t particularly gritty now, there is something you can do about it. People who lack grit more often than not believe that they just don’t have the innate abilities successful people have. If that describes your own thinking …. well, there’s no way to put this nicely: you are wrong. As I mentioned earlier, effort, planning, persistence, and good strategies are what it really takes to succeed. Embracing this knowledge will not only help you see yourself and your goals more accurately, but also do wonders for your grit.
- Build your willpower muscle.
Your self-control “muscle” is just like the other muscles in your body — when it doesn’t get much exercise, it becomes weaker over time. But when you give it regular workouts by putting it to good use, it will grow stronger and stronger, and better able to help you successfully reach your goals.
To build willpower, take on a challenge that requires you to do something you’d honestly rather not do. Give up high-fat snacks, do 100 sit-ups a day, stand up straight when you catch yourself slouching, try to learn a new skill. When you find yourself wanting to give in, give up, or just not bother — don’t. Start with just one activity, and make a plan for how you will deal with troubles when they occur (“If I have a craving for a snack, I will eat one piece of fresh or three pieces of dried fruit.”) It will be hard in the beginning, but it will get easier, and that’s the whole point. As your strength grows, you can take on more challenges and step-up your self-control workout.
- Don’t tempt fate.
No matter how strong your willpower muscle becomes, it’s important to always respect the fact that it is limited, and if you overtax it you will temporarily run out of steam. Don’t try to take on two challenging tasks at once, if you can help it (like quitting smoking and dieting at the same time). And don’t put yourself in harm’s way — many people are overly-confident in their ability to resist temptation, and as a result they put themselves in situations where temptations abound. Successful people know not to make reaching a goal harder than it already is.
- Focus on what you will do, not what you won’t do.
Do you want to successfully lose weight, quit smoking, or put a lid on your bad temper? Then plan how you will replace bad habits with good ones, rather than focusing only on the bad habits themselves. Research on thought suppression (e.g., “Don’t think about white bears!”) has shown that trying to avoid a thought makes it even more active in your mind. The same holds true when it comes to behavior — by trying not to engage in a bad habit, our habits get strengthened rather than broken.
If you want change your ways, ask yourself, What will I do instead? For example, if you are trying to gain control of your temper and stop flying off the handle, you might make a plan like “If I am starting to feel angry, then I will take three deep breaths to calm down.” By using deep breathing as a replacement for giving in to your anger, your bad habit will get worn away over time until it disappears completely.
It is my hope that, after reading about the nine things successful people do differently, you have gained some insight into all the things you have been doing right all along. Even more important, I hope are able to identify the mistakes that have derailed you, and use that knowledge to your advantage from now on. Remember, you don’t need to become a different person to become a more successful one. It’s never what you are, but what you do.
Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D. is a motivational psychologist, and author of the new book Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals (Hudson Street Press, 2011). She is also an expert blogger on motivation and leadership for Fast Company and Psychology Today. Her personal blog, The Science of Success, can be found at www.heidigranthalvorson.com. Follow her on Twitter @hghalvorson
Thank you. I have to tell you I’m both challenged and excited. My excitement is: I get a chance to give something back. My challenge is: the shortest seminar I usually do is 50 hours.
I’m not exaggerating. I do weekends — I do more, obviously, I also coach people — but I’m into immersion, because how did you learn language? Not just by learning principles, you got in it and you did it so often that it became real.
The bottom line of why I’m here, besides being a crazy mofo, is that — I’m not here to motivate you, you don’t need that, obviously. Often that’s what people think I do, and it’s the furthest thing from it. What happens, though, is people say to me, “I don’t need any motivation.” But that’s not what I do. I’m the “why” guy. I want to know why you do what you do.
What is your motive for action? What is it that drives you in your life today? Not 10 years ago. Are you running the same pattern? Because I believe that the invisible force of internal drive, activated, is the most important thing. I’m here because I believe emotion is the force of life. All of us here have great minds. Most of us here have great minds, right? We all know how to think. With our minds we can rationalize anything. We can make anything happen.
I agree with what was described a few days ago, that people work in their self-interest. But we know that that’s bullshit at times. You don’t work in your self-interest all the time, because when emotion comes into it, the wiring changes in the way it functions. So it’s wonderful to think intellectually about how the life of the world is, especially those who are very smart can play this game in our head. But I really want to know what’s driving you.
What I would like to invite you to do by the end of this talk is explore where you are today, for two reasons. One: so that you can contribute more. And two: that hopefully we can not just understand other people more, but appreciate them more, and create the kinds of connections that can stop some of the challenges that we face today. They’re only going to get magnified by the very technology that connects us, because it’s making us intersect. That intersection doesn’t always create a view of “everybody now understands everybody, and everybody appreciates everybody.”
I’ve had an obsession basically for 30 years, “What makes the difference in the quality of people’s lives? What in their performance?” I got hired to produce the result now. I’ve done it for 30 years. I get the phone call when the athlete is burning down on national television, and they were ahead by five strokes and now they can’t get back on the course. I’ve got to do something right now or nothing matters. I get the phone call when the child is going to commit suicide, I’ve got to do something. In 29 years, I’m very grateful to tell you I’ve never lost one. It doesn’t mean I won’t some day, but I haven’t yet. The reason is an understanding of these human needs.
When I get those calls about performance, that’s one thing. How do you make a change? I’m also looking to see what is shaping the person’s ability to contribute, to do something beyond themselves. Maybe the real question is, I look at life and say there’s two master lessons. One is: there’s the science of achievement, which almost everyone here has mastered amazingly. “How do you take the invisible and make it visible,” How do you make your dreams happen? Your business, your contribution to society, money — whatever, your body, your family.
The other lesson that is rarely mastered is the art of fulfillment. Because science is easy, right? We know the rules, you write the code and you get the results. Once you know the game, you just up the ante, don’t you? But when it comes to fulfillment — that’s an art. The reason is, it’s about appreciation and contribution. You can only feel so much by yourself.
I’ve had an interesting laboratory to try to answer the real question how somebody’s life changes if you look at them like those people that you’ve given everything to? Like all the resources they say they need. You gave not a 100-dollar computer, but the best computer. You gave them love, joy, were there to comfort them. Those people very often — you know some of them — end up the rest of their life with all this love, education, money and background going in and out of rehab. Some people have been through ultimate pain, psychologically, sexually, spiritually, emotionally abused — and not always, but often, they become some of the people that contribute the most to society.
The question we’ve got to ask ourselves really is, what is it? What is it that shapes us? We live in a therapy culture. Most of us don’t do that, but the culture’s a therapy culture, the mindset that we are our past. And you wouldn’t be in this room if you bought that, but most of society thinks biography is destiny. The past equals the future. Of course it does if you live there. But what we know and what we have to remind ourselves — because you can know something intellectually and then not use it, not apply it.
We’ve got to remind ourselves that decision is the ultimate power. When you ask people, have you failed to achieve something significant in your life?
Say, “Aye.” Audience: Aye.
TR: Thanks for the interaction on a high level there. But if you ask people, why didn’t you achieve something? Somebody who’s working for you, or a partner, or even yourself. When you fail to achieve, what’s the reason people say? What do they tell you? Didn’t have the knowledge, didn’t have the money, didn’t have the time, didn’t have the technology. I didn’t have the right manager.
Al Gore: Supreme Court. TR: The Supreme Court.
TR: And –What do all those, including the Supreme Court, have in common?
They are a claim to you missing resources, and they may be accurate. You may not have the money, or the Supreme Court, but that is not the defining factor.
And you correct me if I’m wrong. The defining factor is never resources; it’s resourcefulness. And what I mean specifically, rather than just some phrase, is if you have emotion, human emotion, something that I experienced from you the day before yesterday at a level that is as profound as I’ve ever experienced and I believe with that emotion you would have beat his ass and won.
How easy for me to tell him what he should do.
Idiot, Robbins. But I know when we watched the debate at that time, there were emotions that blocked people’s ability to get this man’s intellect and capacity. And the way that it came across to some people on that day — because I know people that wanted to vote in your direction and didn’t, and I was upset. But there was emotion there. Do you know what I’m talking about?
Say, “Aye.” Audience: Aye.
TR: So, emotion is it. And if we get the right emotion, we can get ourselves to do anything. If you’re creative, playful, fun enough, can you get through to anybody, yes or no?
If you don’t have the money, but you’re creative and determined, you find the way. This is the ultimate resource. But this is not the story that people tell us. They tell us a bunch of different stories. They tell us we don’t have the resources, but ultimately, if you take a look here, they say, what are all the reasons they haven’t accomplished that? He’s broken my pattern, that son-of-a-bitch.
But I appreciated the energy, I’ll tell you that.
What determines your resources? We’ve said decisions shape destiny, which is my focus here. If decisions shape destiny, what determines it is three decisions. What will you focus on? You have to decide what you’re going to focus on. Consciously or unconsciously. the minute you decide to focus, you must give it a meaning, and that meaning produces emotion. Is this the end or the beginning? Is God punishing me or rewarding me, or is this the roll of the dice? An emotion creates what we’re going to do, or the action.
So, think about your own life, the decisions that have shaped your destiny. And that sounds really heavy, but in the last five or 10 years, have there been some decisions that if you’d made a different decision, your life would be completely different? How many can think about it? Better or worse. Say, “Aye.”
So the bottom line is, maybe it was where to go to work, and you met the love of your life there, a career decision. I know the Google geniuses I saw here — I mean, I understand that their decision was to sell their technology. What if they made that decision versus to build their own culture? How would the world or their lives be different, their impact? The history of our world is these decisions. When a woman stands up and says, “No, I won’t go to the back of the bus.” She didn’t just affect her life. That decision shaped our culture. Or someone standing in front of a tank. Or being in a position like Lance Armstrong, “You’ve got testicular cancer.” That’s pretty tough for any male, especially if you ride a bike.
You’ve got it in your brain; you’ve got it in your lungs. But what was his decision of what to focus on? Different than most people. What did it mean? It wasn’t the end; it was the beginning. He goes off and wins seven championships he never once won before the cancer, because he got emotional fitness, psychological strength. That’s the difference in human beings that I’ve seen of the three million I’ve been around.
In my lab, I’ve had three million people from 80 countries over the last 29 years. And after a while, patterns become obvious. You see that South America and Africa may be connected in a certain way, right? Others say, “Oh, that sounds ridiculous.” It’s simple. So, what shaped Lance? What shapes you? Two invisible forces. Very quickly. One: state. We all have had times, you did something, and after, you thought to yourself, “I can’t believe I said or did that, that was so stupid.” Who’s been there? Say, “Aye.” Audience: Aye.
Or after you did something, you go, “That was me!”
It wasn’t your ability; it was your state. Your model of the world is what shapes you long term. Your model of the world is the filter. That’s what’s shaping us. It makes people make decisions. To influence somebody, we need to know what already influences them. It’s made up of three parts. First, what’s your target? What are you after? It’s not your desires. You can get your desires or goals. Who has ever got a goal or desire and thought, is this all there is?
Say, “Aye.” Audience: Aye.
It’s needs we have. I believe there are six human needs. Second, once you know what the target that’s driving you is and you uncover it for the truth — you don’t form it — then you find out what’s your map, what’s the belief systems that tell you how to get those needs. Some people think the way to get them is to destroy the world, some people, to build, create something, love someone. There’s the fuel you pick. So very quickly, six needs.
Let me tell you what they are. First one: certainty. These are not goals or desires, these are universal. Everyone needs certainty they can avoid pain and at least be comfortable. Now, how do you get it? Control everybody? Develop a skill? Give up? Smoke a cigarette? And if you got totally certain, ironically, even though we need that — you’re not certain about your health, or your children, or money. If you’re not sure the ceiling will hold up, you won’t listen to any speaker. While we go for certainty differently, if we get total certainty, we get what? What do you feel if you’re certain? You know what will happen, when and how it will happen, what would you feel? Bored out of your minds. So, God, in Her infinite wisdom, gave us a second human need, which is uncertainty. We need variety. We need surprise. How many of you here love surprises? Say, “Aye.”
TR: Bullshit. You like the surprises you want. The ones you don’t want, you call problems, but you need them. So, variety is important. Have you ever rented a video or a film that you’ve already seen? Who’s done this? Get a fucking life.
Why are you doing it? You’re certain it’s good because you read or saw it before, but you’re hoping it’s been long enough you’ve forgotten, and there’s variety.
Third human need, critical: significance. We all need to feel important, special, unique. You can get it by making more money or being more spiritual. You can do it by getting yourself in a situation where you put more tattoos and earrings in places humans don’t want to know. Whatever it takes. The fastest way to do this, if you have no background, no culture, no belief and resources or resourcefulness, is violence. If I put a gun to your head and I live in the ‘hood, instantly I’m significant. Zero to 10. How high? 10. How certain am I that you’re going to respond to me? 10. How much uncertainty? Who knows what’s going to happen next? Kind of exciting. Like climbing up into a cave and doing that stuff all the way down there. Total variety and uncertainty. And it’s significant, isn’t it? So you want to risk your life for it. So that’s why violence has always been around and will be around unless we have a consciousness change as a species. You can get significance a million ways, but to be significant, you’ve got to be unique and different.
Here’s what we really need: connection and love, fourth need. We all want it; most settle for connection, love’s too scary. Who here has been hurt in an intimate relationship? If you don’t raise your hand, you’ve had other shit, too. And you’re going to get hurt again. Aren’t you glad you came to this positive visit? Here’s what’s true: we need it. We can do it through intimacy, friendship, prayer, through walking in nature. If nothing else works for you, don’t get a cat, get a dog, because if you leave for two minutes, it’s like you’ve been gone six months, when you come back 5 minutes later.
These first four needs, every human finds a way to meet. Even if you lie to yourself, you need to have split personalities. I call the first four needs the needs of the personality. The last two are the needs of the spirit. And this is where fulfillment comes. You won’t get it from the first four. You’ll figure a way, smoke, drink, do whatever, meet the first four. But number five, you must grow. We all know the answer. If you don’t grow, you’re what? If a relationship or business is not growing, if you’re not growing, doesn’t matter how much money or friends you have, how many love you, you feel like hell. And I believe the reason we grow is so we have something to give of value.
Because the sixth need is to contribute beyond ourselves. Because we all know, corny as that sounds, the secret to living is giving. We all know life is not about me, it’s about we. This culture knows that, this room knows that. It’s exciting. When you see Nicholas talking about his $100 computer, the most exciting thing is: here’s a genius, but he’s got a calling now. You can feel the difference in him, and it’s beautiful. And that calling can touch other people.
My life was touched because when I was 11 years old, Thanksgiving, no money, no food, we were not going to starve, but my father was totally messed up, my mom was letting him know how bad he messed up, and somebody came to the door and delivered food. My father made three decisions, I know what they were, briefly. His focus was “This is charity. What does it mean? I’m worthless. What do I have to do? Leave my family,” which he did. It was one of the most painful experiences of life. My three decisions gave me a different path. I set focus on “There’s food.” What a concept!
But this is what changed my life, shaped me as a human being. Somebody’s gift, I don’t even know who it is. My father always said, “No one gives a shit.” And now somebody I don’t know, they’re not asking for anything, just giving us food, looking out for us. It made me believe this: that strangers care. And that made me decide, if strangers care about me and my family, I care about them. I’m going to do something to make a difference. So when I was 17, I went out on Thanksgiving, it was my target for years to have enough money to feed two families. The most fun and moving thing I ever did in my life. Next year, I did four, then eight. I didn’t tell anybody what I was doing, I wasn’t doing it for brownie points. But after eight, I thought I could use some help.
So I went out, got my friends involved, then I grew companies, got 11, and I built the foundation. 18 years later, I’m proud to tell you last year we fed 2 million people in 35 countries through our foundation. All during the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, in different countries around the world.
Thank you. I don’t tell you that to brag, but because I’m proud of human beings because they get excited to contribute once they’ve had the chance to experience it, not talk about it.
So, finally — I’m about out of time. The target that shapes you — Here’s what’s different about people. We have the same needs. But are you a certainty freak, is that what you value most, or uncertainty? This man couldn’t be a certainty freak if he climbed through those caves. Are you driven by significance or love? We all need all six, but what your lead system is tilts you in a different direction. And as you move in a direction, you have a destination or destiny. The second piece is the map. The operating system tells you how to get there, and some people’s map is, “I’m going to save lives even if I die for other people,” and they’re a fireman, and somebody else says, “I’m going to kill people to do it.” They’re trying to meet the same needs of significance. They want to honor God or honor their family. But they have a different map.
And there are seven different beliefs; I can’t go through them, because I’m done. The last piece is emotion. One of the parts of the map is like time. Some people’s idea of a long time is 100 years. Somebody else’s is three seconds, which is what I have. And the last one I’ve already mentioned that fell to you. If you’ve got a target and a map — I can’t use Google because I love Macs, and they haven’t made it good for Macs yet. So if you use MapQuest — how many have made this fatal mistake of using it? You use this thing and you don’t get there. Imagine if your beliefs guarantee you can never get to where you want to go.
The last thing is emotion. Here’s what I’ll tell you about emotion. There are 6,000 emotions that we have words for in the English language, which is just a linguistic representation that changes by language. But if your dominant emotions — If I have 20,000 people or 1,000 and I have them write down all the emotions that they experience in an average week, and I give them as long as they need, and on one side they write empowering emotions, the other’s dis-empowering, guess how many emotions they experience? Less than 12. And half of those make them feel like shit. They have six good feelings. Happy, happy, excited, oh shit, frustrated, frustrated, overwhelmed, depressed. How many of you know somebody who, no matter what happens, finds a way to get pissed off?
Or no matter what happens, they find a way to be happy or excited. How many of you know somebody like this?
When 9/11 happened, I’ll finish with this, I was in Hawaii. I was with 2,000 people from 45 countries, we were translating four languages simultaneously for a program I was conducting, for a week. The night before was called Emotional Mastery. I got up, had no plan for this, and I said — we had fireworks, I do crazy shit, fun stuff, and at the end, I stopped. I had this plan, but I never know what I’m going to say. And all of a sudden, I said, “When do people really start to live? When they face death.” And I went through this whole thing about, if you weren’t going to get off this island, if nine days from now, you were going to die, who would you call, what would you say, what would you do? That night is when 9/11 happened.
One woman had come to the seminar, and when she came there, her previous boyfriend had been kidnapped and murdered. Her new boyfriend wanted to marry her, and she said no.
He said, “If you go to that Hawaii thing, it’s over with us.” She said, “It’s over.” When I finished that night, she called him and left a message at the top of the World Trade Center where he worked, saying, “I love you, I want you to know I want to marry you. It was stupid of me.” She was asleep, because it was 3 a.m. for us, when he called her back, and said, “Honey, I can’t tell you what this means. I don’t know how to tell you this, but you gave me the greatest gift, because I’m going to die.” And she played the recording for us in the room. She was on Larry King later. And he said, “You’re probably wondering how on Earth this could happen to you twice. All I can say is this must be God’s message to you. From now on, every day, give your all, love your all. Don’t let anything ever stop you.” She finishes, and a man stands up, and he says, “I’m from Pakistan, I’m a Muslim. I’d love to hold your hand and say I’m sorry, but frankly, this is retribution.” I can’t tell you the rest, because I’m out of time.
Are you sure?
I want to be respectful. All I can tell you is, I brought this man on stage with a man from New York who worked in the World Trade Center, because I had about 200 New Yorkers there. More than 50 lost their entire companies, friends, marking off their Palm Pilots. One financial trader, woman made of steel, bawling — 30 friends crossing off that all died. And I said, “What are we going to focus on? What does this mean and what are we going to do?”
And I got the group to focus on: if you didn’t lose somebody today, your focus is going to be how to serve somebody else. Then one woman stood up and was so angry, screaming and yelling. I found out she wasn’t from New York, she’s not an American, doesn’t know anybody here. I asked, “Do you always get angry?” She said, “Yes.” Guilty people got guilty, sad people got sad. I took these two men and I did an indirect negotiation. Jewish man with family in the occupied territory, someone in New York who would have died if he was at work that day, and this man who wanted to be a terrorist, and I made it very clear. This integration is on a film, which I’d be happy to send you, instead of my verbalization, but the two of them not only came together and changed their beliefs and models of the world, but worked together to bring, for almost four years now, through various mosques and synagogues, the idea of how to create peace. And he wrote a book, called “My Jihad, My Way of Peace.” So, transformation can happen.
My invitation to you is: explore your web, the web in here — the needs, the beliefs, the emotions that are controlling you, for two reasons: so there’s more of you to give, and achieve, too, but I mean give, because that’s what’s going to fill you up. And secondly, so you can appreciate — not just understand, that’s intellectual, that’s the mind, but appreciate what’s driving other people. It’s the only way our world’s going to change.
God bless you, thank you. I hope this was of service.
Instead of spending your days complaining, you might try changing your workplace from within, says leadership expert Simon Sinek.
Simon Sinek now spends his days helping people create inspiring workplaces, but he found this calling only after experiencing profound professional despair. “I hated waking up in the morning,” he recalls. “I was no fun anymore, and I became paranoid.” His lack of fulfillment was due to a misalignment between his purpose — what he calls his “why” — and his job. Despite being someone who believes that people should only do jobs they love, Sinek does not advocate simply leaving a so-so job.“The opportunity to quit is always there, but I don’t recommend doing it until you exhaust all the other avenues,” he says. In a Facebook Live conversation at TED’s NYC headquarters in September, he shared the steps he advises people to take before throwing in the towel.
1. If your boss or work environment are abusive, leave immediately.
2. If your boss or work environment aren’t abusive and you’ve been there for only a few months, hold off on giving notice.
“If I were to offer some advice to people, it’s that sometimes they make the decision to leave too quickly. They show up, start working and after four months, they’re like, ‘This is not for me.’ However, it takes around six months for anyone to settle into a job.”
3. If you’ve been there for more than six months, try to figure out what’s wrong. For starters, check your attitude.
“People can come in with the attitude that ‘Work is just for work, and I find fulfillment in other places.’ Which means they’re showing up half-hearted and not committed, they’re acting like this job is just a means to an end. And guess how they’re going to be treated? If you show up just to check in and check out, because you get your fulfillment somewhere else, then you’ll be labelled as such. No one’s going to be looking after you and watching out for your career.”
4. Consider the other possibilities.
“Uncover what it is exactly that’s not sticking. Is it your coworkers? Your boss? The job itself?”
5. If you have a difficult boss, try a little empathy.
“When a boss is particularly hard in a meeting, yelling at people or being short with them, you can walk into their office, close the door and say, ‘Hey, you were really short with us in the meeting. Are you OK?’ You don’t have to use those words, but you want to get across that you think they’re acting out of character and you want to check on them. Sometimes it gets them to open up. It might not happen immediately, and maybe they won’t open to you, but it can be an impetus for them to open up to someone.
6. Treat your boss like a person, not a problem.
“The other thing you can do is to inquire about your boss as a human being, saying something like, ‘Can we start this meeting by talking about what we did this weekend? We can learn a little bit about each other. Hey, [Boss’s name], what did you do this weekend?’ We can be so quick to criticize bad leaders, yet they’re human, too, and they want to feel heard and feel like they belong. We don’t know why they’re bad leaders — maybe they’re under stress or pressure, maybe they don’t realize that they’re bad, or maybe they’re just bastards. But we have to give them the benefit of the doubt first.”
7. If that doesn’t work, then be the leader you wish you had.
“We might be the most junior person in the organization, but we still work with people. We can occupy ourselves with helping them go home fulfilled, that they feel heard, that they feel someone has their back. If you commit yourself to being the leader you wish you had and see your friends and colleagues love their work, it actually affects leadership, believe it or not. We’ve seen it happen; it’s kind of amazing. You can build a little subculture. We worked with a large software company, and we helped just a small group in the company build a stronger culture. And they started getting phone calls from all across this company wanting to find out if there were any jobs available in this group. Everybody wants in! Commit yourself to being a leader you wish you had, and building that subculture.”
8. Know this process doesn’t happen overnight.
“It’s going to take time, like any relationship. Some people might be suspicious at the start. I find being open about it allays some of the suspicions. You could say something like, ‘Hey, guys, I wish we had a stronger culture here’ or ‘We can complain about our culture until we’re blue in the face, so I’m going to try and contribute to building a culture for us so we come to work and feel fulfilled and hopefully we’ll have an impact on those around us.’”
9. If you’re still certain you want to quit, put your energy into growing — not griping.
“For my first job out of school, I had a terrible boss — just terrible! So I committed myself to learn how not to lead, and I actually got a lot out of it because I was like, ‘Oh, I’m not going to do that one day.’ I also made incredibly good friends with the people with whom I worked, because misery loves company. We all took care of each other, and we learned teamwork from camaraderie. I was learning leadership at a very junior level. And when opportunities arose, I moved on. So there are ways to work at a job you don’t like without complaining every day. Try and seek the advantages and the lessons you can learn.”
10. Never settle for a job that’s just “good enough.”
“I think one of the biggest mistakes our counselors and parents is telling us, ‘Find a job.’ Nobody ever says, ‘Find a job you love.’ People are often told that they don’t need to find a job that’s fulfilling because they can find fulfillment elsewhere. But that’s like saying you don’t have to love the person you marry, because you can get that somewhere else. That’s not going to set you up for a great marriage; it’s the same thing with a job. You’re going to spend more time at work than being with your family or friends or doing anything else. So you should absolutely find a job you love.”
 Simon Sinek
By worrying over the past and its tragedies, one parades a form of insanity – a kind of sickness that destroys the will to live for the present moment. Those who have a firm purpose have filed away and forgotten the occurrences of the past, the past of which will never again see light, since they occupy such a dark place in the recesses of the mind. Affairs of the past are finished with ; the events already unfolded, sadness cannot retrieve them, melancholy cannot make things right, and depression will never bring the past back to life and neither can you do anything to change it. This is because the past is non-existent.
Do not live in the nightmares of former times or under the shade of what you have missed. Save yourself from the ghostly apparition of the past. Do you think that you can return the sun to its place of rising, the baby to its mother’s womb, milk to the udder, or tears to the eye? By constantly dwelling on the past and its happenings, you place yourself in a very frightful and tragic state of mind.
Reading too much into the past is a waste of the present. When Allah mentioned the affairs of the previous nations, He, the Exalted said:
That was a nation who has passed away
Former days are gone and done with, and you gain nothing by carrying out an autopsy over them, by turning back the wheels of history.
The person who lives in the past is like someone who tries to saw sawdust. Of old, they used to say, “Do not remove the dead from their graves”.
Our tragedy is that we are incapable of dealing with the present: neglecting our beautiful castles, we wail over dilapidated buildings. if every man were to try to bring back the past, they would most certainly fail. Everything on earth marches forward, preparing for a new season – and so should you.
Stop thinking – what if i did that – what if i do this – Stop, just live in the moment because as far as we concern, this moment is all we have and this present moment is passing by under our noses.
Make a past that you’ll love to remember, one that will bring smile to your face.
Just stop your regrets, and start living mindfully.
1. RITUAL OF SOLITUDE – (MOMENT OF SILENT)
- Moment of silent to Solitude and quiet connects you to your creative source and releases the limitless intelligence of the Universe.
- Maybe this is the reason why Islam recommend Muslim to stand in night prayer in the last 3rd of the night, when the night is dark, and people are sleeping, to relieve yourself of your worries and prepare for the next day.
- Maybe this is the reason why most Muslim scholar belief that night prayer would not only make your closer to God, but also happier.
2. RITUAL OF PHYSICALITY (POWER OF PHYSICAL CARE)
- The Ritual of Physicality is based on the principle that says as you care for the body so you care for the mind. As you prepare your body, so you prepare your mind. As you train your body, so you train your mind. Take some time every single day to nourish the temple of your body through vigorous exercise. Get
your blood circulating and your body moving. Did you know that there are 168 hours in a week? At least five of those hours should be invested in some form of physical activity.
- ‘To breathe properly is to live properly.'”
- How to breathe properly ? Your belly should move out slightly. This indicates that you are breathing from the abdomen, which is good. A trick taught to me was to cup my hands over my stomach. If they moved out as I inhaled, my breathing technique was proper.
3. THE RITUAL OF LIVE NOURISHMENT
- A poor diet has a pronounced effect on your life. It drains your mental and physical energy. It affects your moods and it hampers the clarity of your mind.
- ‘As you nourish your body, so you nourish your mind.'”
- So what to eat? Live food. Live foods are the answer. Live foods are foods that are not dead. Basically, live foods are those which are created through the
natural interaction of the sun, air, soil and water. What I’m talking about here is a vegetarian diet. Fill your plate with fresh vegetables, fruits and grains and you might just live forever.
- What does Islam said about that. It remind me of a speach from Hamza Yusuf on eating meat (from the audio tape “The Science of Shari’ah” ):
“Meat is not a necessity in Shari’ah, and in the old days most Muslims used to eat meat, if they were wealthy, like middle class—once a week on Friday. If they were poor—on the Eids.”
“So traditionally Muslims were semi-vegetarians. The Prophet was, I mean, technically, the Prophet (SAWS) was in that category. He was not a meat-eater. Most of his meals did not have meat in them. And the proof of that is clearly in the Muwatta—when Sayyidina Umar says, ‘Beware of meat, because it has an addiction like the addiction of wine.’ And the other hadith in the Muwatta—there is a chapter called ‘Bab al-Laham,’ the chapter of laham, the chapter of meat. Both are from Sayyidina Umar. And Umar, during his khilafa, prohibited people from eating meat two days in a row. He only allowed them to eat [it] every other day. And the khalifa has that right to do that. He did not let people eat meat every day ï¿½ he saw one man eating meat every day, and he said to him, ‘Every time you get hungry you go out and buy meat? Right? In other words, every time your nafs wants meat, you go out and buy it?’ He said, ‘Yeah, Amir al-Mumineen, ana qaram,’ which in Arabic, ‘qaram’ means ‘I love meat’—he’s a carnivore, he loves meat. And Sayyidina Umar said, ‘It would be better for you to roll up your tummy a little bit so that other people can eat.’”
“Now Umar, if there was a prophet after the Prophet, it would have been Umar. And that is really verging on prophecy, that statement. Because if you study the modern meat industry, you will find out that a lot of the famine in the world is a direct result of the over-consumption of meat in countries like the United States and Canada and Europe, because the amount of grain needed to produce 1 pound of meat, right, is much greater than the amount you need to produce grain itself. And beef in particular—I really recommend Rifkin’s book Beyond Beef. It’s an extraordinary book. And it’s interesting ‘Baqara’ is also a chapter of the Qur’an (‘kill the cow’), because beef-eating societies just have massive impact on the environment, on natural resources, on all these things. And traditionally the Muslims were not cow-eaters, they were sheep and lamb [-eaters] when they did eat meat.”
4. THE RITUAL OF ABUNDANT KNOWLEDGE
- It centers around the whole notion of lifelong learning and expanding your knowledge base for the good of yourself and all those around you .
- However, knowledge is only potential power. For the power to be manifested, it must be applied. Most people know what they should do in any given situation, or in their lives for that matter. The problem is that they don’t take daily, consistent action to apply the knowledge and realize their dreams.
- The Ritual of Abundant Knowledge is all about becoming a student of life. Even more importantly, it requires that you use what you have learned in the classroom of your existence.
- Get my priorities straight? Try not to live your life bound by the shackles of your schedule. Instead, focus on those things that your conscience and your heart tell you to do. When you invest in yourself and start to devote yourself to raising your mind, body and character to their highest levels, you will almost feel as if you have a personal navigator inside you, telling you which things you must do to see the greatest and most rewarding results. You will stop worrying about your clock and start living your life.
- Read regularly. Reading for thirty minutes a day will do wonders for you. But I must caution you. Do not read just anything. You must be very selective about what you put into the lush garden of your mind. It must be immensely nourishing. Make it something that will improve both you and the quality of
You are what you EAT & You are what you READ.
- I would never tell you not to read as many books as you can. But remember, some books are meant to be tasted, some books are meant to be chewed and,
finally, some books are meant to be swallowed whole. Which brings me to another point. I simply want to tell you that to truly get the best out of a great book, you must study it, not just read it.
- Thirty minutes a day will make a delightful difference in your life because you will quickly start to see the vast reserves of knowledge available for your use. Every answer to every problem you have ever faced is in print.
- All the mistakes you will ever make in your life have already been made by those that have walked before you. Do you really think that the challenges you are facing are unique to you?
- I would never tell you not to read as many books as you can. But remember, some books are meant to be tasted, some books are meant to be chewed and,
5. RITUAL OF PERSONAL REFLECTION
- By taking the time to get to know yourself, you will connect to a dimension of your being that you never knew you had.
- It’s actually a very practical concept. You see, we all have many sleeping talents inside of us. By taking the time to get to know them, we kindle them. However, silent contemplation will deliver even more than this. This practice will make you stronger, more at ease with yourself and wiser. It is a very rewarding use of your mind.
- Remember, there is nothing wrong with making mistakes. Mistakes are part of life and essential for growth. It’s like that saying, ‘Happiness comes through good judgment, good judgment comes through experience, and experience comes through bad judgment.’ But there is something very wrong with making the same mistakes over and over again, day in and day out. This shows a complete lack of self-awareness, the very quality that separates humans from animals.
6. RITUAL OF EARLY AWAKENING.
- One of the best pieces of advice I learned was to rise with the sun and to start the day off well. Most of us sleep far more than we need to. The average person can get by on six hours — and remain perfectly healthy and alert.
Sleep is really nothing more than a habit and like any other habit, you can train yourself to achieve the result you want; sleeping less in this case.
- For the first few days, you will feel very tired. I’ll freely admit this. You might even feel this way for the first week of getting up nice and early. Please see this as a small measure of short-term pain for a large measure of long-term gain. You will always feel a little discomfort when you are installing a new habit. It’s sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes — at first it’s a little hard to wear them but soon they fit like a glove. As I told you earlier, pain is often the precursor to personal growth. Don’t dread it Instead, embrace it.”
- Here are a couple of quick tips. First, never forget that it is the quality and not the quantity of sleep that is important. It is better to have six hours of uninterrupted deep sleep than even ten hours of disturbed sleep. The whole idea is to provide your body with rest so that its natural processes can repair and restore your physical dimension to its natural state of health, a state that is diminished through the stresses and struggles of daily use.
- The ten-minute period before you sleep and the ten-minute period after you wake up are profoundly influential on your subconscious mind. Only the most inspiring and serene thoughts should be programmed into your mind at those times.
7. RITUAL OF MUSIC
- And i don’t mean heavy metal or rock music. But music that give your heart joy and soothing. For Muslim, i would recommend listening to the holy Qur’an, since it has soothing effect for the soul.
8. RITUAL OF SPOKEN WORDS
- The sages had a series of mantras which they would recite morning, noon and night. They told me that this practice was immensely effective in keeping them focused, strong and happy.
- For Muslim, I would recommend to recite the collection of prayers and verses of the Qur’an from Al-Mathurat as compiled by As Syahid Imam Hassan Al Banna based on authentic narration of Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.
9. RITUAL OF A CONGRUENT CHARACTER.
- Simply stated, this ritual requires you to take daily, incremental action to build your character. Or simple Kaizen, a daily step of self-mastery and improvement.
The Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. said: “He whose two days are equal, is a loser.”
- Strengthening your character affects the way you see yourself and the actions you take. The actions you take come together to form your habits and, this is
important, your habits lead you to your destiny.
- Strengthening your character affects the way you see yourself and the actions you take. The actions you take come together to form your habits and, this is
You sow a thought, you reap an action. Reap an action, you sow a habit. Sow
a habit, you reap a character. Sow a character, you reap your destiny.'”
10. RITUAL OF SIMPLICITY (requires you to live a simple life)
Unless you reduce your needs, you will never be fulfilled. You will always be like that gambler in Las Vegas, staying at the roulette wheel for ‘just one more spin’ in
the hope that your lucky number will come up. You will always want more than you have. How can you ever be happy?”
The secret of happiness is simple: find out what you truly love to do (Something worthy of pursue, something of which will benefit not only yourself but in some other way, improve and serve the life of other people) and then direct all of your energy towards doing it. If you study the happiest, healthiest, most satisfied people of our world, you will see that each and every one of them has found their passion in life, and then spent their days pursuing it. This calling is almost always one that, in some way, serves others. Once you are concentrating your mind power and energy on a pursuit that you love, abundance flows into your life, and all your desires are fulfilled with ease and grace.”
Victor Frankl said it more elegantly than I ever could when he wrote: ‘Success, like happiness, cannot be pursued. It must ensue. And it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself.’ Once you find out what your life’s work is, your world will come alive. You will wake up every morning with a limitless reservoir of energy and enthusiasm. All your thoughts will be focused on your definite objective. You won’t have time to waste time. Valuable mental power will, therefore, not be wasted on trifling thoughts. You will automatically erase the worry habit and become far more effective and productive. Interestingly, you will also have a deep sense of inner harmony, as if you are somehow being guided to realize your mission. It is a wonderful feeling. I love it,”
So take the time to think. Discover your real reason for being here and then have the courage to act on it.
“I don’t mind”
Have you ever been dumped because the person you were trying to do so much for and be nice to all the time, thought of you to be boring? It must have hurt and ached to have been quit on by the one you loved, all because you were trying your very best to be the nicest thing since sliced bread. Well guess what, being ‘nice’ all the time is overrated and makes you a boring person. That is probably the root cause of one of the most common cliche of all, GIRLS LIKE BAD BOYS, bad boys are unpredictable and lively. But then, we are not recommending anyone to go BAD!.
WE RECOMMEND YOU TO BE A BETTER YOU !.
Being ‘nice’ doesn’t mean going with the flow all the time!
What is it about you that others find attractive? And here, by “attractive” we do not mean only romantically – there have to be some engaging qualities in you that make people likes you, that make they want to be your friend, to hire you, to be like you and of course, to like and love you. These qualities are what make you unique and interesting. Plus, we are living in an era of distraction, we get distracted almost every second, by Facebook, twitter, Instagram and a million of other things. Therefore, it is important to be “attractive”. Good news is, you don’t have to be good looking to be attractive, you have to be you.
People might like you for your conversation skills, shared interests and hobbies, and because you are all heart. However, being a caring person has got nothing to do with not having a voice of your own. If you are the kind of person who thinks that a relationship only works when you go with the flow, and you ignore you own thoughts and likes to do so – then you are heading down the road to bitter breakup and will be a labeled a boring person.  Nobody likes a boring person, that is the reason why we have a multi-billion dollar industry focused on killing BOREDOM that is the entertainment industry.
An ‘I don’t mind’ attitude tells the other person that you have no mind of you own.
Imagine someone asking you, what’s the best option for dinner? You shrug and indicate that the other person can go ahead and choose; you are all right with anything. As a onetime scenario this is fine, but if this is an oft repeated scene in the drama that is your life – then your ‘I don’t mind” attitude is making you one boring person. 
In a relationship, it’s good to disagree every now and then. It’s even okay to have a few fights and then agree to disagree. Nodding your head to everything, being a yes man or woman and portraying yourself as someone who is okay with just anything and everything the other party wants is just dull. Being nice all the time takes the fun out of any relationship – be it as friends or romantically. And it makes you a boring person.
Being a “YES-MAN” makes for unhealthy relationships.
How can one be okay with everything? The answer is, no one can. However, in a bid to be nice or rather to be thought of as nice, you may be stifling your wishes and dreams and going with the flow. It may be to keep your significant other happy, or trying to be just another cog in a well-oiled machine at your workplace. Whatever be the reasons or the situation, the ‘I’m okay with anything’ attitude of yours will not get you far.
Firstly, the person or parties that you are doing this for, may start resenting you for not having the courage or conviction to make your own decisions, in any most company, decisiveness is a highly valuable trait if you want to climb higher in the corporate ladder. You will be perceived as a pushover and this projected niceness of yours will not earn you any brownie points but rather makes you a valuable errant boy.
Secondly, if you are deliberately being fine with anything and everything, after a while this act of yours may start to wear you down and the very relationship that you are trying to strengthen with this niceness, will sour even for you! 
Take charge every once in a while.
The solution to this is to get up and take charge every once in while. The next time anyone asks for your opinion, politely give it but don’t act like a know it all person, nobody likes a know it all! The next time you have the urge to say no, say it. The next time you feel like standing out like a sore thumb, do it!
Be a nice person, but also be your own person, BE A BETTER YOU!.
By being you, you will most definitely attract your very own “special one” whom will love you just as you are.
Psychology Today: 5 Signs You Are Trying Too Hard To Please Everyone
Tiny Buddha: How To Stop Saying Yes When You Want To Say No
 Bustle: 9 Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship That Are Easy To Miss Because They Can Happen To Anyone
Life is full of ups and downs – we have times of joy and times of disappointment, we have our eman increase or decrease, sometimes we feel close to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, and sadly at other times we turn away. We must identify if it is our nafs or Shaitan that’s deviating us or decreasing our faith, thus directing us to prepare the appropriate weapon.
If it’s your nafs stop the habit and replace it with a good habit as Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) said: “And establish prayer at the two ends of the day and at the approach of the night. Indeed, good deeds do away with misdeeds. That is a reminder for those who remember.” (Surah Hud Verse 114)
It is important to educate ourselves about the sin or reflect upon the detrimental habit and then think about the akhirah.
To fight Shaitan’s whispers, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala gave us a strong system of defense and the best of it is our faith:
Increase in Knowledge
The Qur’an and Sunnah are our reference and guides for knowing what is permitted and forbidden in life as Muslims, it is therefore an obligation to learn about Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala and thus increasing in our pursuit of knowledge strengthens our faith. We should also turn to scholars when in doubt or needing clarification. Try to read The Noble Qur’an, ahadith, various books about Islam to increase your eman to put into practice, and to increase your reliance of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala as that knowledge will bithn’illah be your protection next time Shaitan tries to make you deviate.
Rely on Allah
Know that there is no might nor power except with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala and without Him you can not succeed.
Seeking Refuge: Al-Istiadah
Sincerely seek refuge with Allah from the accursed; do so before entering the toilet, entering your house, when leaving the house, when having bad thoughts, when beginning to recite The Qur’an, so on.
Make du’a for help and protection, and find the Sunnah du’a which can be found in the supplication book Fortress of the Muslim.
Remembrance of Allah:
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Exalted says: `I am as my slave expects me to be, and I am with him when he remembers Me. If he remembers Me inwardly, I will remember him inwardly, and if he remembers Me in an assembly, I will remember him in a better assembly (i.e. in the assembly of angels).”
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
Read, Recite, Reflect on the Qur’an:
You can listen to the Qur’an on your mobile phone, your iPod or MP3, or in your car, on your way to work or school or at home. Make a habit of reading the Qur’an daily, even if it is just a few verses. It is our source of guidance and protection for our eman.
Finally, Shaitan is our enemy and let us wage a war against him and our nafs by devoting ourselves to increasing our eman and serving Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. At the end of the day, Shaitan does not make us do something, he whispers. If you fall, which we are all bound to do as humans, don’t give up and turn back to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala:
Say: ”O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Az-zumur 53)
About the Author:
Hend Mohamad is an Egyptian Computer Engineering student. She is learning about parenting in Islam and striving to be an ideal Muslim mother for her children insha’Allah. She was a part of a charity aiming to eliminate illiteracy among the elderly, and is now a team leader in a charity organisation which donates clothes to poor people. She loves to write and share a positive message with the intention for even just one word to inspire someone and may help her get to Jannah insha’Allah. Visit her blog: www.hendmohamad.blogspot.com